I got killed this week on SEO — which I suddenly have to master, if this online needlepoint e-commerce thing is to ever going to get off the ground. So I’ve now come to my senses and decided to eliminate the registration requirement to read my blog.
I’m doing this because I’m desperate for clicks, just like everyone else. Being temporarily click-starved, as I was, behind a registration wall, can lead to feelings of isolation, but that is not important right now. What is important is this post, which I have written after reading carefully every Google ad words click-bait SEO book on the planet, where terms like CPC, organic search and landing pages are bandied about like drunken sailors in a Bargello joint. I have done this to master SEO, which seems to be about repeating the same thing over and over until you are blue in the face, even if the sentences you end up writing end up sounding like something out of Google translate.
So, while this post may seem odd, if not downright strange, to people who stitch needlepoint canvases, and by that I mean painted needlepoint canvases, that is to say, painted by hand needlepoint canvases, or better yet, stitch-painted canvases that are hand-painted by needlepoint artisans, as opposed to, say, painted by foot canvases, it will apparently make perfect sense to Google’s tireless robots.
The important thing you can rest easy on is that this needlepoint post has been written primarily for consumption by machines, not human beings, so no worries as to its nonsensical nature, as machines do not actually have a sense of humor or any concept of meaning: which is why spam English reads the way it does, but that is another discussion entirely, and not a needlepoint one at all. The trick is to accomplish this in a sophisticated way, and not settle for being dorkily repetitive — thus incurring Google’s mighty wrath at being gamed, and subsequently being demoted in its holy grail search rankings, perhaps never to see the light of click heaven again.*
Now the key to understanding needlepoint is that it’s definitely about needles, stitches, threads and canvases. And not just any canvases, mind you, but honest-to-goodness hand-painted ones that are also stitch painted. Of course there are certain types of canvases we do not carry. For example, sail canvases. Nay, nay, no sail canvases here: we exclusively carry needlepoint canvases, and are proud to do so. Although, to be brutally honest about it, we do, from time to time put those canvases on sale. What canvases, you ask? Why none other than Zweigart! Aka mono. On a good day, even, you can say we carry mono Zweigart canvases, and yes, these are canvases with hand-painted needlepoint designs which are often stitch-painted designs that are hand painted on them.
Why do we do this, you ask? Well the answer there is refreshingly simple.
To be on point, it’s because we’re a needlepoint store.
A painted needlepoint store, to be precise, although the store itself, to open the proverbial kimono on this, as it were, has not been painted since we moved in. And yes, these designs are painted on mono canvases. These things do exist. In our store. And when I say mono canvases, we in the needlepoint biz actually use the shorthand term Zweigart. That is to say, mono Zweigart. Which have needlepoint designs painted on them that are designed by needlepoint artists and painted by nobody knows who exactly, maybe someone in the Far East or Germany somewhere, but then that’s also not important right now.
What is important is that our needlepoint canvases, yes, the hand-painted and stitch painted ones, are available right here right now at Needlepoint Land, unless of course they aren’t.
You see here at Needlepoint Land, where we sell Zweigart, aka mono, that is to say, hand-painted and extremely beautiful stitch painted needlepoint canvases that will instantly turn into heirlooms, well the thing is we tell you up front about it if a design — which of course has been, er, curated by Needlepoint Land trained professional buyers roaming this earth and culling from thousands if not tens of thousands of designs — is available in our giant warehouses or not; this you will always know at Needlepoint Land, when you buy from us online.
We will in fact rarely, if ever, take your credit card number, then casually mention that you have to wait 4-8 weeks to get the mono, that is to say, Zweigart, or assure you that this particular item is usually available in a couple of days, just hang on for a New York minute, we’ll get back to you on that one, but no worries, we won’t bill you, or more exactly, our shopping cart provider won’t bill you, until you give us the approval to do so, and what we are of course talking about is approval to charge your card for a hand-painted needlepoint canvas that you actually won’t see ’til Easter.
Because, yes, not to be a pill about it, but on Needlepoint.land, an item is always identified as a “Special order” or “Out of stock,” if it isn’t available, unless we inadvertently slipped up and not kept all the online and store inventory in synch, that is to say, the inventory of our stitched needle—- ah, you catch my drift.
Enough of this nonsense. We’ve had our fun.
Happy, now, Google?
* the technique being lampooned in this post is known as keyword stuffing, long discredited. *S*